I left the table when I realized that I was sitting with wolves, wolves in sheeps clothing. Sounds harsh, I know, but there is no other way to say it.
You see, I was a sheep, too. I was seeking to belong, to know that I was worthy, but I was seeking this from the mouths and hearts of women that were self serving. I wasn’t looking to conform and follow, yet this is what I found myself doing.
I did not realize my worth until I no longer recognized myself and then it was as if a lightbulb went on.
The lightbulb= words from someone that knew my heart. She asked me if I was happy and if I had found what I was seeking. My response was a huge NO! Here I thought everything I wanted was in the hands of the women at the table I longed to sit at, yet I never felt more alone and unhappy in my life. A piece of me had become a wolf, one half of me validated, the other half empty.
So when I walked away from the broken table, I was ready to heal, I had nowhere to go but up. What I didn’t realize was that everything I thought I needed from that table was already inside of me. I was capable, I was worthy, I brought ideas and strengths to the table. What set me apart was I wasn’t a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was a sheep, but not in the way the world sees sheep. I wasn’t looking to conform or follow, but I did need some guidance and a little encouragement every now and then. I needed to know that my wings worked.
There are plenty of tables filled with sheep that have pure hearts. Women that are ready to cheer you on simply because they believe in you. They have nothing to gain from you, they aren’t preying, looking to take advantage of you. Instead you will find that you are welcome and encouraged when you have nothing to give.
These are the women that will not prey on your trust. When I found myself in the presence of these women, I instantly felt calm. I wasn’t racing to keep up, I was encouraged to slow down, to trust and rest. Little by little I returned to myself and found safety.
My friends, seek the sheep that welcome you when you have nothing to offer but your heart.
Seek the sheep that support you as you work to know you are worthy, because the truth is, you were born worthy and no one can take that away.