I turn forty in exactly one week and life is not how I imagined it would be. I’ve been so disappointed as though I have somehow failed to accomplish the things I was supposed to.
The questions I’ve begun asking myself lately are deep, soul searching, life changing questions that have no easy answers.
The first one is: according to who? What exactly was I supposed to accomplish and by whose standards? Because if I’m honest, I never really had a measuring stick that I was ensuring I’d measure up to. So why am I feeling all of this pressure to be in a different place financially or have status symbols that give me the nod approval that I’m on the right track?
Again I ask, on the right track according to who? My judgmental relatives that I have no relationship with? I mean honestly, who sold me on this dream of wealth or some kind of retirement before I was fifty? And why do I feel like a failure because I haven’t achieved an invisible target I didn’t even mean to be aiming for?
Forty looks different than I imagined because I’m not chasing financial prosperity for my future, I’m returning to heal the wounds of my past.
I’m not rushing out of fear that I’m running out of time, I’ve intentionally slowed down so that I can be more present for my husband, children, and the few relationships I’ve chosen to keep. I’m not accepting the status quo of my emotional maturity, instead I’m doing the indescribably hard work of peeling back the layers of why I make the choices I make and why I’ve continued to spiral into the same patterns repeatedly.
I’m asking myself hard questions and holding a mirror up to my life so that I can make sure not to stay in any dysfunctional patterns. I’m learning how to love myself exactly as I am and also get to know myself on a much deeper level than I ever imagined I could.
Did I think at forty I would be on the emotional recovery journey of my life and linking arms with some of the most incredibly authentic and vulnerable women I’ve ever known?
No. But this is forty, and I’m here for it. What a privilege it is to be alive and self aware.
Meggan Larson is an award winning author (best selling on Amazon), course creator, wife, mom, and adoptee. She currently lives in Ottawa, Canada with her husband and three children. She helps women tell their beautiful, powerful, and authentic stories. You can connect with her at megganlarson.ca or email her at email@example.com